Sometimes my brain breaks. It just stops functioning and everything about me crashes and burns. My life is plunged into a bottomless abyss and everything goes blank. I usually get the felling like a hard disk that has just been formatted, clean and empty, the only exception is that I am aware that I have been formatted yet I can do nothing about it. When this happens I usually have zero cognitive functions; I cannot think at all and whenever I try I just draw blanks. Physically, I become as useless as a statue, I cannot move not even a single muscle on my body. To make this relatable to you let me put it like this, I get the same feeling like I am sleeping except that I am awake and aware that I am sleeping. Confusing much? Yeah get it. I know this sounds like a quite crazy but yeah it happens so bear with me.
First time it happened I was sure I was dead. It was an unusually cold and dark Wednesday evening, the rain outside was gushing down in massive torrents accompanied with the occasional bolt if lightning and a crack of thunder ripping through the house. I was alone in the house, curled on the couch with my warm and fuzzy Spongebob pj's, listening to Coldplay as I typed away my overdue assignment, while trying to sneak in a couple of chapters of Americanah. Then boom! there was a bright flash of lightning and seconds later the loudest crack of thunder I had ever heard, believe me I felt it in through my spine down to my toes. No that is not what broke my brain. After the horrifying thunder, the power went out and the house went dark leaving the light from my laptop as the only source of light. I stood up, obviously cursing the weather and went to switch off the main switch. As I fumbled for some candles on the kitchen drawer that was when it happened. I felt something on the back of my head, an explosive feeling as if I had been hit really hard by something and either the object or my head was broken. The pain was sharp but short lived before I went tumbling down on the cold kitchen floor.
I cannot accurately say that I blacked out. For starters, even with my eyes closed all I saw was white instead of black (pun intended). It was like I was in a white room with white ceiling and floors and white walls; except I couldn't exactly tell because everything was white. I fought really hard to open my eyelids in vain. I wasn't cold at all, if anything I felt a pleasant warmth, like someone had covered me with a nice and soft blankie. The most frustrating thing was that I was aware that I was on the kitchen floor yet I could do nothing about it. Then it occurred to me, what if I was dead? What if I never woke up again? Was this it? The end? Is this how it feels to die? And what on earth had killed me?!!
Panic set in. I couldn't just die. At least not yet. My mind went on an overdrive. I had my whole life in front of me, my studies, my savings... Hell I had not even had a decent relationship for heavens sake!! And dying like this? In my pyjamas, looking like a homeless person, I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet jeez. So if I was really dead was I going to heaven or hell? And are they even real? Where were the angels to guide me? More importantly where was the little light?
After that a deep calmness engulfed me. My head went blank and everything was quiet. But I was aware when my friend came to check on me and started screaming. I felt it when I was being carried to hospital. I drifted in and out as my mother switched between praying and sobbing beside me. I remember my little sister telling me to wake up or she was gonna wear my clothes or mess with my stuff. Someone, I am not sure who even said "I love you"! But I was wallowing in this unknown realm, I felt like a kite in space: just drifting away.
